Summer should be sun, sea and sex on the beach (the cocktail, of course). Why should that stop just because you live in a sweltering grey metropolis? Beijing is as good a place as any for donning your most dapper aquatic gear and baring your bronzed body. Here’s the sum of the summer so far:

The man-in-pants look is, wrongly, all too popular worldwide and, worryingly, it’s generally the preserve of the portly gentlemen. However, it can work if you accessorize: Wear a hat, get some jewelry, carry a camera, or sport sunglasses. (Dear fat man, the ideal accessories for your pants are shorts and a T-shirt.)

Victorian-inspired swimming skirts allow ladies to maintain dignity while all around you skanks are losing theirs. The swim cap is another nod to the past, but in a town where nobody wears crash helmets, the jury is out. If it had a chinstrap, the decision would make itself.

Funky European Guy A: Let’s go to the beach to celebrate getting my hair dyed.
Funky European Guy B: Wear your block color Thai fisherman-style trousers.
Funky European Guy A: And a vest. Mine’s mesh.
Funky European Guy B: Mirrored sunglasses.
Funky European Guy A: Wear your cute hat, too.
Funky European Guy B: Don’t dare smile or we won’t look totally freaking cool.

Animal prints are bigger than big game hunting this season. As evidence, just look at the paparazzi shots of Hollywood starlets. This woman might be one of them. The hat-as-disguise trick works a treat. You need to see her face. You can’t. Arrgh.
Possible starlet: 1. Failed paparazzo: 0.

Swimwear has been heading down the retro avenue for some time but your swimmers don’t have to be all Daniel Craig or Ocean’s 11 to get on trend. Bermuda shorts are foolproof for the summer. Bright, floral patterns are hard to stain, won’t go see-through and allow you to look cool even with your pensive Beatlemania mop.

If you’re sneaking off from your responsibilities for a day at the beach, the best way to look inconspicuous is to go incognito like these two. Nothing says “move along, nothing to see here” like adults in giraffe and sea turtle visor-masks.

Getting buried in the sand might seem ho-hum, but if you’ve got two women doing the burying and they then make breasts for you too, then you’re officially the king of the beach. That hat now counts as a crown.

Beijing is famous for its lube-sky days – the days when you can lube yourself up and not burn to a crisp. This chap took time off from the gym to oil himself all over in the sunshine. Two thumbs up. Just don’t accept his offer of chewing gum.

As belts go, these are an unusual choice. It’ll make it tough to use the bus or subway in rush hour. But inflatable belts can save your life, although lifeguards and medical professionals would not recommend them for that purpose. And they usually have pictures of cartoons on them. That’s two more reasons why fashion is more important than public transport.

Towels are fantastic. So many styles, so many ways to wear them: the mum-startled-coming-out-of-the-shower, the geriatric lady’s shawl, the Sports Illustrated towel-edition pose, and the defeated heavyweight champ (not pictured).