CAST LIST

Tour guide
Santa Claus, American
Sinterklaas, Dutch
Black Peter, nationality unknown, a helper to Sinterklaas
Father Christmas, English
Saint Nicholas, the Wonderworker, Bishop of Myra
Belsnickel, German, also the Santa of the Pennsylvania Dutch
Krampus, an incubus demon who accompanies Saint Nicholas
Père Noël, French
Ded Moroz (aka Grandfather Frost), Russian

Beijing Convention Center. A frosty night in late November.

Public address system: That concludes the International Father Christmas Convention Beijing 2009. Good night, good luck and a very Merry Christmas.

Tour guide: So gents, you’ve all got one more night in this fair city. What do you want to do?

Santa Claus: I want Coca-Cola mixed with a lotta liquor, and then I want to meet some young girls who’ve been bad so they can sit on my lap.

Tour guide: That’s one vote for Maggie’s.

Santa Claus: It’s one vote for Coca-Cola, the way I see it.

Sinterklaas: Does this Maggie woman make pancakes?

Black Peter: There’s no fool like an old fool, this Maggie sounds like a –

Father Christmas: Ho ho ho.

Saint Nicholas: What’s this talk of ladies of the night? We shall give the oldest profession no quarter. Let us go to Maggie’s at once. I can give her money for a dowry. That is why they call me the Wonderworker.

Black Peter is smacked in the mouth by Sinterklaas’ crook.

Black Peter: Jeez, I have had just about enough of this racist symbolism. The shackles were bad enough. You used to treat me like an employee, you mad old Dutchman.

Sinterklaas: Sorry, Black Peter. I find it hard to keep up with the customs of the time. I keep forgetting if I’m racist or not. Damned academics and their … what were we talking about?

Belsnickel: I vud just like to haff one beer with the guys. Maybe at a German brauhaus?

Tour Guide: Well, there’s Drei Kronen, Schindler’s, the Paulaner Brauhaus ...

Black Peter: Hold on – he’s not getting in anywhere dressed like that, the fur-clad loon. Plus the Amish believe in him, and that’s pretty much the plot of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. That shit is weak. You don’t get a vote. Now this dude here, he gets a vote.

Krampus: AARRRRRGH …

Black Peter: Yo. There’s no kids to scare, or women to birch. Relax.

Krampus: Sorry – force of habit. I don’t care what we do but I’d prefer the opposite of whatever Saint Nicholas is doing.

Saint Nicholas: Only when we’re back in Austria, my boy. Tonight it’s me and you.

Père Noël: I’d like to go somewhere where, ’ow you say, ze people take off zeir shoes.

Tour Guide: Karaoke at Wain Wain?

Père Noël: [shrugging] For me, eet’s OK.

Santa Claus: [swigging from a hip flask] Coca-freakin’-Cola.

Father Christmas: I’ve a good mind to call you a corporate shill.

Santa Claus: F-you, Johnny English.

Père Noël: Fil-zee Ah-meri-cain.

Ded Moroz: In my country, this Santa Clowz is illegal immigrant. He is also reason Stalin made me wear blue uniform when I was at Palace of Union. Come here, Santa Clowz. I finish you now. Same like Zangief in your famous Hollywood’s Streetfighter movie.

Tour Guide: Enough of this. You lot are useless. I don’t know how any of you manage to deliver any presents. Except you, Black Peter – can I call you Pete? I like you. Anyway, the options are you can go to The Den or you can spend your last night in the hotel. If you’re coming, then bring enough money for a drink; you can’t stay in The Den and drink water all night. Right, get on the bus.

Krampus: I hope there are some sleeping women at this Den.

They file onto their tour bus.