Fast on the heels of some exciting fast-food news come reports of a more unappetizing nature. CCTV recently outed the McDonald’s Sanlitun branch for a whole host of food fouls that ranged from leaving cheese out for too long to serving hamburger patties that had fallen on the floor. That branch has been shut temporarily, leaving drunken bellies grumbling a little louder in the early morning hours.

Our protein wagon is Lido-bound this week, to pit Beijing’s much-liked Pete’s Tex-Mex against a raw newcomer to the scene – Big Boss Fish & Chips, which, despite the name, has only one ‘fish and chips’ option but about ten burgers on its menu. Yup, it’s Burger (Vs) Burger, err, Tuesdays, again folks. You know the drill by now.

In the red corner: Texas Whopper (w/cheese), Pete’s Tex Mex, RMB 57.

The brief.  Just like my pappy used to make. Well, at least he would have if he’d lived in Texas and not Tunbridge Wells. A good-looking sandwich. And take a gander at all that gooey yellow cheese, like the billowing blonde mane of a camp cowboy. But crinkle-cut fries? Seriously?

The bite. It’s a sloppy, juicy, succulent mouthful. Unusual, seeded bun has nice flavor, not cakey, and lots of juiciness from all the ingredients and sauce.

Wassup!! It’s Burger (Vs) Burger Mondays again, patty peeps. That means one thing: sizzling, bun-on-bun action. This week, two old-school Americana-inspired diners duke it out. Grandma’s Kitchen and Paul’s Steak & Eggs have been grilling patties longer than most in Beijing. Both have a number of restaurants and a long-term expat following, and both, it’s fair to say, aren’t the spring chickens they once were. But what about their burgers?

Next into our ketchup-stained ring of bloody beef on beef action, it’s two of Beijing’s hippest hotels: The Opposite House’s all-day dining restaurant Village Café versus Hotel G’s wine-bar-cum-restaurant, Scarlett. Neither are specialists, with only one beef burger on their menus (though Scarlett in its previous incarnation was, it must be said). Both hotels have around 100 rooms and are considered to be the best of their class, but The Opposite House is in a higher price bracket. So let’s get this over with… it ain’t over ’til it’s over, etc.

Los Angeles, 1952: Johnnie Ray is storming the Billboard charts with a new sound that will eventually become rock & roll. And the superbly named Lovie Yancy opens the world’s first Fatburger.

Nearly 60 years on, I’m in the capital of the PRC, sitting with a Fatburger, Fat Fries, and a Coke, looking out through windows damp with spring drizzle at embassy concrete and razor wire. The burger (RMB 60, meal deal) does a good job of looking like its photo: aesthetically charred patty, neat shreds of iceberg, and cheese overhanging the bun at just the right angle. But this is fast food, inasmuch as I wouldn’t bet on it in a blind taste test against a McWhopper.