“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

On the afternoon of September 1, the first gloriously autumnal day of the year, I rode my e-bike eastward along the North Second Ring Road, admiring the manicured lawns, neatly trimmed hedges, and potted flowers in synchronous bloom that line the roadside.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

[Editor’s note: This is the commencement address Kaiser delivered at one of Beijing’s international schools.]

July 2008 – Graduating from high school is a very special moment in life. Tonight you can look back – fondly, I trust – on your years at Beijing High: on the friends you’ve made, on all that you think you’ve learned, on the fun you’ve had. And at the same time you can look forward to the strange and wonderful experiences that lie ahead for you as you make your way in the world. It might not seem possible, but believe me: It gets even better from here on out. It’s a great time to be young, I say as a quickly aging old fart already pathetically trading on past glories, and as you wrap up one memorable chapter of your lives and get ready to embark on the next adventure I truly envy all of you.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

June 2008 – I hope you’ve all had a chance to read this month’s list of 101 things that you should do before leaving Beijing. I thought that I should provide a little counterpoint to that. You see, living here for 12 straight years, as I have, one ends up doing things one comes to regret.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

March 2007 – They call it “reflexology,” and with brief apology,
I confess I only learned the word quite recently.
What they call it, I don’t care: ‘round these parts, it’s something rare –
A massage where neither party acts indecently.
Here in China, as you know, from Heilongjiang down to Guangzhou,
Or the Lhasa Valley’s Himalayan ice,
It’s hard to find a town where you can’t get your feet rubbed down,
And enjoy it at a bargain-basement price.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

May 2008 -

1. In a recent study conducted by Manbag magazine in Beijing, which of the following was found in less than 20 percent of men’s pleather clutch purses?

a) The Little Blue Pill

b) RMB 20,000

c) Two mobile phones

d) A Zippo lighter

e) A Chinese translation of Marcel Proust’s "A Remembrance of Things Past"

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue  from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

August 2007 - Time: 12pm    From: KK
Hey, just deplaned. My bag was last off carousel, now facing a Hongqiao-esque taxi line. Running late, sorry. Can we push lunch back to 1pm?

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

April 2008 – He first arrived in China in the spring of ’98 –
An earnest English major from a flat Midwestern state.
He spent two years in Jilin Province teaching ESL
And through those Dongbei winters he learned Mandarin quite well.
He was fond of all his students, he was fond e’en of the worst,
And he grew so fond of baijiu that he’d down it uncoerced.
But two years in the rust belt had done something to his mood,
And he longed for creature comforts, and he longed for Western food.
So in Chunjie of 2000 he rode hard-seat overnight
And emerged from Beijing Station in the early morning light,
He shuffled with his duffel ‘til he crossed the guojieqiao,
And made his way directly to the nearest Maidanglao.
He checked into a cheap hotel, now sated on Big Macs,
And that night went to Sanlitun to drink and to relax.
The next four evenings found him there, carousing in the pubs
And ogling pretty women in the Gongti-area clubs
Reluctantly he went back north to teaching noun and predicate
And drinking sorghum liquor with his roommate from Connecticut.
He knew, though, deep inside that he was bound for something better
And with courage fueled by baijiu penned a resignation letter.
His students, as you might expect,
were sad to see him go,
And one girl with an unrequited crush especially so.
Despite her maudlin pleas he was determined to take wing,
And leave the teaching life to seek his fortune in Beijing.
At first he polished English for a state-run business mag,
While writing freelance features for a local expat rag.
He wrote for travel magazines and did translation too,
And he tried his hand at fiction,
which (he rightly reckoned) blew.
And somewhere ‘long the way
he started smoking Zhongnanhais,
A habit he’d picked up
those late nights drinking with the guys.
His English took on words
not used by ordinary Yanks,
Like “flat” and not “apartment,”
and “cheers” ‘stead of “thanks.”

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

August 2004 – Unless they’ve come to Beijing from the vicinity of an established Chinatown, foreigners arriving in Beijing quickly discover that food here bears little resemblance to what passes for Chinese cuisine back home.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue  from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

December 2004 - The Foreign Correspondents Club of China offers journalists new to Beijing this useful template for your first files. It has been used with great success by big-name reporters hundreds of times! Just fill in the blank with the appropriate phenomena, supply some names for sources, and voila! Instant China story.

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue  from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

March 2004 - Okay, men: You’ve got the buckle loafers in faux alligator, the translucent nylon hosiery, two mobile phones, the ersatz Rolex on one wrist and the outsize Buddhist bead bracelet on the other. You’ve got the flat-top haircut and a respectably long pinky nail. What’s missing? That’s right – the one indispensable accessory for all you would-be dakuans out there: The men’s pleather clutch purse, or shoubao.