Hark, the Herald Angels Drink!: Gongti Heaven Supermarket to Open Before Xmas

If beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, then God is surely atoning for the looming airpocalypse. With Heaven’s pearly gates opening in exactly a week’s time, paradise, it would seem, is truly here on earth – well, more specifically in the basement of Tango KTV, in the west street of the Workers' Stadium.

RELATED: The Five People You Meet in Heaven ... Supermarket

To kick things off, Heaven Supermarket will be partnering with Vandergeeten to bring you their craft beer festival right before baby Jesus' birthday on Friday and Saturday (Dec 23-24). Expect a lineup of reasonably-priced Belgian beers and vibes from Cuban band Cohiba. Presale tickets are priced at RMB 50 and include one glass of beer and a plate of snacks.

I guess drinking at Heaven during Christmas isn't all that bad ... after all, the next best thing to being home for Christmas and getting drunk with your Uncle Ralph is tying one on with a bunch of Santa-hatted strangers here in smoggy Beijing.

Sing it with me, people! 

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Heaven sold to me:

Twelve vodka Red Bulls
Eleven Tsingtaos clinking
Ten green tea whiskeys
Nine Stellas bubbling
Eight Blondes from Belgium
Seven baijiu cocktails
Six margaritas
F i v e  w a r m  Y a n j i n g s
Four Loko cans
Three Maotais
Two Slow Boat Draughts
And a wreckhead in a pool of pee

Expect the new location to retain many of the same characteristics as what we love and expect: a stockpile of reasonably priced beers, decent Mexican food, and open all the bloody time (yup, 24/7). What we hope it doesn't retain, or in fact it obliterates into a thousand shards of cheap, questionable glass, is any semblance of a squat toilet/a toilet setup taken straight from the blueprints of a Russian gulag; the kitchen right next to said "toilets"; wet floors (from years of substandard cleaning up of vomit); excessive use of nefarious powders; smoking indoors; and general douchebaggery.

However, for those of you who like said things, the new store will come as good news following the scare that happened last year, leading us to wonder how much longer the Xindong Lu spot would be around.

And finally, for those of you who have never been to Heaven Supermarket (aww bless), here are some things that we've actually witnessed while there:

  • The biggest human turd ever known to mankind, literally the size of two cow pats. Not figuratively. Needless to say, this beast didn't flush, it needed to see a shovel;
  • A man who stumbled out of Heaven Supermarket on the morning of November 2, apparently just coming to from his Halloween nightmare 48 hours on and still wearing a mask;
  • A 70-year-old man who sat down next to two girls, asking where they were from, to which one answered "Rwanda." Someone's grandpa replied "I like Rwanda," before slipping his hand onto the girl's thigh and 15 minutes later strolling into the night with her, hand-in-hand.

Don't say we didn't warn you. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Photo: boozist.com

    Comments

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    Alcohol Police wrote:

    You really dont get it. There is a huge difference between a hangover, and a fake alchohol "hangover", just because you don't realise it, don't be so ignorant to think that it's ok or it's similar. Jeez

    Yeah i don't get it, because I don't think many people are capable of distinguishing fake from real alcohol when they drink it, let alone when they wake up feeling like shit from a hangover the next day

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    Alcohol Police wrote:

    Not sure the law would agree with you on that one. And actually what they put in the drink to make fake alcohol is far worse than the real stuff. But if you don't mind spinning the wheel when you go there, fill yer boots

    Distilling alcohol is cheap, and even drug dealers know it's bad business to kill your customers.

    My guess is the "fake" alcohol out there is primarily of the cheap generic spirit variety. In other words, whatver is coming out of the fancypants branded vodka bottle the bar happens to be puring from is probably a cheap version of the same stuff.

    I'm always amused by the argument I often hear from people: "that place I went to last night have fake alcohol because I got trashed there last night and this morrning I feel like shit"

     

     

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    schreursm wrote:

    Arvi89 wrote:

    Well, you can go to many gulou bars late at night the toilets won't be better (If they actually have toilets, in some case you need to go to hutong toilets, good luck).

    Hutong toilets are much better than the Heaven Supermarket bathrooms.

    I guess we disagree, some hutong toilets smell from outside made me wanna puke. And it's also a lot of fun when there is no wall or door!

    (I don't say it's good at heaven, but I've seen the same in many other popular crowded bars in Beijing)

    gnature gnature gnature gnature gnature gnature

    90% is fake?!

    Try local wine.牛栏山二锅头。It is cheap and good.

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    Why is Heaven Supermarket the poster boy for fake alcohol? I presume pretty much all of it at 90% of all Beijing bars is fake.

    And alcohol is carcinogenic and addictive anyhow, i figure you're poisoning yourself with every drink even with the pure stuff.

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    Managing Editor, the Beijinger

    Arvi89 wrote:

    Well, you can go to many gulou bars late at night the toilets won't be better (If they actually have toilets, in some case you need to go to hutong toilets, good luck).

    Hutong toilets are much better than the Heaven Supermarket bathrooms.

    the Beijinger

    Liquor is a good business.

    www.DreamTV.club

    Dedicated to provide the most affordable and reliable IPTV service in China.

    Well, you can go to many gulou bars late at night the toilets won't be better (If they actually have toilets, in some case you need to go to hutong toilets, good luck).

    gnature gnature gnature gnature gnature gnature