Beijing to Relocate Middle Class to Leave More Room for Filthy Rich

Beijing has announced a plan to remove the middle class from within its Fourth Ring Road by 2025 in order to make Beijing more convenient for its dense population of millionaires.

Small-time business owners with an annual net income of below RMB 1 million are the targets of Beijing’s latest plan to reduce the population of the overcrowded metropolis. The move will help the capital optimize its lavish global image and ease the pressure on environment and traffic for the wealthy elite that remain, an official from Beijing's Human Capital Bureau said.

“With the reduced traffic, the city will also look great to foreign dignitaries being driven in from the airport,” said Kai Wanxiao, of the Beijing Bureau of Millionaire Services. “No more will we have to suffer the humiliation of having peasants in three-year-old BMWs and Audis cluttering the streets.”

To ease the transition, city planners have identified a town 126km southwest of the city where Beijing’s middle class will be offered places to live. Residents will be lured to the new area, dubbed Qiong'an (穷安), with discounts on flats that have remained empty since they were built during China's construction boom a decade ago.

The move is just the latest in a series of population-control measures that Beijing has taken. Beginning with last year's removal of the city's "low-end" population, the government has since introduced policies to shut down wholesale markets, shame cyclists for not driving cars, and required all citizens to publicly flaunt at least one luxury brand item of clothing at all times.

According to officials, the removal of non-millionaires will make space in the city for more five-star hotels, Gucci outlets, and Bentley dealerships.

So far, reactions to the new regulation among the residents of this overpopulated city have been positive.

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"There is a remarkable decrease in the number of low-end people coming here,” said Hao Xiao, a sanitation worker that has yet to be relocated under the plan. “My work has become much easier because the wealthy have a better class of garbage," he added, referring to a silver spoon he had found alongside a scuffed iPhone X while cleaning out trash earlier in the day.

Upon discovering that foreigners will also be subject to the regulations, Havina Larf, a professor at Youqian University's Department of Wealth Appreciation, voiced her support.

“Frankly I’m appalled at the meager hongbao the typical student offers to have me look the other way at their poor test scores,” she said. “With a wealthier student body, I’m more likely to make the rent each month on my one-room flat outside the Sixth Ring Road."

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Asked about what he’ll do when he can no longer afford to live in Beijing on a worker’s salary, Hao said he already has a plan to open a jianbing shop hawking a special recipe featuring caviar and real gold leaf. “They’ll retail for RMB 250 each, but anyone that flashes an LV bag will get the ‘friend’ price,” he said.

“People around the world need to know that Beijing is a modern, wealthy capital,” he said. “I’ll do anything to make sure the capital city looks good in overseas investment brochures and on the Instagram feeds of fu'erdai social influencers.”

Happy April Fools’ Day from the Beijinger

Photo: upi.com