Fashion Five-Oh: Mean-Ass Motorbikes

There are more than enough films where motorbikes are the main focus. Classic road movies like Easy Rider, iconic scenes such as The Great Escape – and for the true connoisseur, there are such ill-conceived cinematic rides as the ill-fated Vanilla Ice vehicle, Cool As Ice. What these movies tell us is that motorcycles are a man’s best friend, with all that power and metaphorical freedom growling between your thighs. For those of us who aren’t a Hell’s Angel or Valentino Rossi, however, the trick is to avoid looking like you’re in the midst of a midlife crisis.

These guys are a step ahead of you. They already have wheels.
But which one of these crazy bikers has the meanest style?

In the blue corner. This is a classic take on a timeless mode of transport. It’s as clean as a disinfected whistle, and it’s nearly regal in this shade of almost-royal blue. Such a sheen does not come without a hefty investment of elbow grease or the type of cleaning products that you’ve only ever seen on late-night infomercials.

Let’s be clear: This is not an entry-level bike. One has to graduate to rocking a sidecar.

You can see the misspent youth of the rider written all over his leather waistcoat and a grizzled look that even the harshest bourbon couldn’t sour. The shades and gold chain are a nice touch but the pièce de résistance, if you pardon my French, is the leather shoes without socks; they whisper youthful insouciance and mean business, all at once. The only way this could get better is if there was a dog in a bandana sat in that sidecar. Shame.

Also in the blue corner. Necessity is the mother of invention, so say inventive mothers the world over. How this young man happened upon his bike is not important. What matters is the fact that he has seen Pimp My Ride. This motorbike clearly doesn’t come with all these luxuries as standard – but with a little hard work, even the lamest-looking pedal-and-pop can be turned into a not-so-lean-or-mean pulling machine.

First, you add the windshield. This makes it look like it would withstand even the slowest-moving of ram raids into a chuan’r stand. OK, it might make uphill rides almost impossible with its poor aerodynamics but those ten-inch wheels probably weren’t going to allow it anyway. Then add a couple of Chinese flags, as a “Made in China” stamp would not be giveaway enough. Next is a helluva headlight and a chrome adornment that Rolls Royce would kill for. Still not enough accessorizing? A basket for your sundry goods is a good look; a street legal number plate tops that. Then, if that weren’t already the best ride ever, the genius marks out his upward mobility with a picture of a car. This is hotter than that discarded chilli.

Ladies and gentlemen, your winner by knockout.