Make That a Double Cheeseburger: On the Joys of Coagulated Animal Milk
We have a rule in the Jenne/Zhang household that any snack food purchased for common consumption must pass the “bait test,” i.e. “Did Jeremiah ever at any time use said item as bait while fishing?” If the answer is “yes” (squid chips, anybody?) then it shall not be purchased.
My wife thinks this is, culturally speaking, complete 100 percent mollusk shit. Who am I, she wonders, to call her beloved food preferences – squid chips, chicken feet, duck necks – weird? Weird means “not normal” with “normal” equaling “what most people do.” Well over half of the world’s population grew up in Asia, including my wife. I am not, she points out, a member of that club.
Besides, I love cheese. I would rather eat a hamburger braised in squid droppings than eat one without cheese. American. Cheddar. Pepper Jack. Blue. Does not matter. Lay a slab on the burger and melt. A burger needs cheese like Donald Trump needs retweets.
But cheese is really fucking weird.
I tried explaining cheese to an old woman in our neighborhood once.
“Let me get this straight,” she asked warily, “you take milk from a cow…?”
“Or a goat,” I corrected.
“Right. Or a goat. And you… wait until it gets hard, moldy, and smells like what, again?”
“Like Yao Ming’s jock strap.”
“Right. And you put this on scrambled beef bits?”
“Yes. Along with lettuce, tomato, Heinz 57, and a French-fried potato.”
“Right. That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”
And my neighbor has a point. Cheese isn’t the most intuitive food product ever. In fact, the whole dairy thing is a little odd when you get down to it. One can only imagine the scene, on some Neolithic hillside, where two dudes sat watching a calf snuffle around the utter of his mom while thinking to themselves, “Hey! I wonder how we might get the calf out of the way and get in on that action?”
Dairy products in China are also often associated with pastoral nomads (in centuries past) and foreign barbarians (of more recent vintage) suggesting a possible – although yet unproven – connection between “lactose tolerance” and “a tendency to want to enslave the Chinese people.” This is a PR problem which is not likely to be resolved any time soon.
In 2017, the fromage-dependent in China scurried for surreptitious suppliers after customs officials banned soft and mold-ripened cheese including brie, gorgonzola, Roquefort, and camembert for containing high bacteria counts … which is, of course, the point of soft, smelly cheese. Fortunately, authorities reversed course a month later just as chefs, cheeseheads, and reportedly the entire French embassy began muttering about illicit air drops and advanced contraband techniques that would have impressed Pablo Escobar.
There are parts of China where cheese is not only enjoyed but is nearly a staple. One of my favorite foods is rubing from Yunnan. The best I’ve ever had comes from the Naxi nationality areas of the province around Tiger Leaping Gorge. There, plates of goat milk cheese are hoisted on platters and suspended over cooking fires allowing the cheese to absorb the smoke and flavors for a week or more before being fried and served with a little spice or some sugar. Absolute cheese perfection.
There’s also our family’s not-so-secret shame: I’m not the only one in our household in thrall to the almighty curd. My wife – Tianjin born and bred and a pious devotee of squid chips and duck necks – loves cheese, probably more than I do. Seriously. The woman would eat gravel if I poured melted pepper jack over the rocks and called them nachos. I still remember how disappointed she was the first time we went to Q Mex and chef Marcus Medina cooked us authentic Mexican food.
“Where’s the cheese and sour cream?” my wife wanted to know.
I can’t be certain, but I think I saw Marcus die a little bit inside.
The Beijinger Burger Cup is my favorite food-based event in the capital’s calendar. I have some serious favorites and have no doubt taken years off my life in pursuing the perfect burger. And regardless of what burger you may have voted for this year, my personal choice will always be the one covered with cheese.
No matter how weird my neighbors think it might be.
The Beijinger 2019 Burger Fest is coming, Jun 22-23.
Buy your early bird tickets right now and get some great burger swag!
Images: Unsplash, fuchsiadunlop.com
