Aching for Akon: the Man Himself in Concert

This November, the Beijinger took it upon ourselves to attempt a world record or two. Our valiant efforts (read all about them here on issuu.com) sadly fell short - but then again, we never tried enlisting the assistance of Akon. Last night (Nov 4) at Mastercard Arena, Akon proved just how easily he could rock a stadium and set a number of somewhat kooky world records*.

World Record #1: number of Chinese people simultaneously screaming "ghetto"

Akon: "How many of you here speak English?!"
Crowd: [goes wild]
Akon: "No, no, how many of you here speak English?!"
Crowd: [goes wilder]
Akon: "Who knows that Akon came from the ghetto?! GHETTO!"
Crowd: [goes wild]
Akon: "Holler 'GHETTO' if y'all understand!"
Crowd: "GHETTOOOOOOO!"

World Record #2: number of bored significant others on smartphones in a 150-meter radius

You may have thought that this record was set in a very large H&M, or maybe a Hello Kitty store. Not so. In the twenty or so people that sat around my particular seat - 302, aisle, row 5 seat 6, just FYI - there were no less than eight individuals ranging from ages eighteen to fifty-six, gadget-gazing in the face of Senegalese greatness. Multiply that by ... a lot.

World Record #3: number of retirees dancing to "I Just Had Sex"

Mastercard Arena has the benefit of an extremely large courtyard. Not only does this faciliate the selling of various glowy items, it's also a fantastic place for middle-aged Beijingers to keep fit. We counted more than five hundred older ladies and gentlemen grapevining their way through Akon's catalogue of hits. They were there when we went in, and they were still there upon departure. Bless.

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All in all, a highly satisfying experience. All the hits were incredibly well-received ("Lonely", "I Just Had Sex", "Smack That", "Ivanka Schtupp You"...) and we found out just how many layers of clothing the 'Kon wears onstage (four). Two of these layers were also caught by lucky(?) audience members, causing near-riots.

Every expat should attend at least one massive foreign-artist concert here in Beijing, at least once. It's a little bit nutty, a little bit frightening (dear Mastercard Arena, I'm concerned about your fire exits) - and seriously surreal. I say: buy a few glowsticks, stare down the guy trying to steal your seat and bounce for your life. Don't think so much. Just go with it. You'll come out cruising.

*As far as I know, there were no official Guiness World Record verification officers at the scene. Pity, that.

Photos: Susan Sheng, Wikipedia.org