Dear Reader,

The publishers of my recent collection of columns neglected to include an index, so I’ve provided one here for your convenience. Apologies for the additional trouble.

Also, please note that I’m completely kidding you and this isn’t actually an index to anything. But there is an actual book. Go out and buy it.

Yours,
Kaiser Kuo

INDEX

abalone   87, 171-172
Almond Roca (cf. Ferrero Rocher)   14, 126
ankle hose   77, 98
   as iconic fashion symbol   98
   where to buy   77
Audi (automobile)   12, 15, 23, 84, 128
   as “Official Car of Corruption”   15
   preposterous ubiquity of   23, 84, 96, 128
badminton   4, 15, 27
baijiu (sorghum liquor)   3, 5, 6, 7, 9-13, 15-192
   medicinal uses of   9-13
   military uses of   16
blind massage   3, 82, 142
BBS (Internet forums)   37-38
birdcage guys   19, 21,152
Buick   56, 154-155
   perplexing brand value of   154-155
   why my friends drive their minivan   155
CCTV-9   14-15, 27, 89
   obligatory expat appearance on   27
   the CCTV-9 anchor accent   15
Carpenters, The   44-46
   mysterious popularity of (cf. John Denver)   45
cayenne   59-60, 87
   pepper   59-60
   Porsche SUV   87
China Daily   189-191
Chivas Regal (popular bottled green tea mixer)   68
Clayderman, Richard (cf. Kenny G)   32-33
corn   7, 10, 12, 16-18, 28-29, 45, 48, 62-66, 110-111
   as beverage   17
   as pizza topping   10, 12, 45, 48, 110-111
   as biofuel   28-29
   tough inedible Chinese varieties of   62-64
   popped sweet vs. salted   16-18
Cui Jian
   expat idolization of   12, 19, 135-136
   classic old stuff   135
   unlistenable new stuff   136
Dashan (aka Mark Rowsell)   9, 13, 27, 89
Denver, John   45
   and longevity of “Country Roads”   46
dogs   120-122, 176, 187
   small   120-121
   smaller   122
   misplaced outrage over consumption of   176
dwarf doormen   36, 45, 78, 102
Erguotou (cf. baijiu)   1-192
   supernatural bravery effect   162-163
fapiao (tax receipts)   121, 139-140
Ferrero Rocher (cf. Almond Roca)
Filipino cover bands   54-55
fruit plates   177-178, 188, 193
   cherry tomato debate of 2005   178
   extortionate KTV prices   188
   singular lack of imagination in offering   193
G, Kenny   23, 26, 72, 79, 83-85, 112-114, 171
garlic   70, 81, 88, 120, 128
Greco-Roman plaster statuary   175-176
Hotel California   5, 17, 19, 21-22, 32-35, 62-64, 172
hurting the feelings of the Chinese people   4, 15, 92-94
Jenny Lou’s   54, 73, 99
karaoke   22, 26, 187-189
Marco Polo Syndrome   27-28
   syndrome first identified   27
   symptoms and diagnosis   28
man bag (cf. pleather clutch purse)
McStruggle (artistic movement)   20, 22, 37, 41, 52, 66, 98
minority nationalities   63-65, 121-124
   colorful native costume and dance   63
   quaint courtship traditions   64-65
   list of 56 minorities and their shortcomings   122-124
mole hair   78-79
moxibustion   25, 83-84, 146-148
   distinguished from giant octopus attack   83-84
   aesthetic impact vs. efficacy debate   146-148
money, very fast counting of   18-19
pajamas, daytime wearing of   11, 41, 58
penises   15, 42, 57, 86, 128, 176-178
   reindeer (medicinal)   42, 86
   dog, ox, other soup stock   176-178
phlegm, expectoration of   4, 14, 26-27, 39
pinky nails   8, 12, 74-75
   in Guinness Book of World Records   75
   uses explained   12
prayer bead bracelets, outsize   2, 8, 10, 17-18, 81-83
pleather clutch purse   2, 8, 10, 12, 17-18, 29, 35, 81-83
   as totem of male virility   17-18
   common contents of   18
   patent superiority of Crocodillo™ brand   2, 10, 35
reflexology   82, 142, 188
reptile liquor   84-85, 90, 127
   putative medicinal value   84
   taxonomy of commonly occurring reptiles   85, 127
Santana (Volkswagen)   26, 28, 141, 182
sauna   15, 42, 59, 101, 104-107
scissorless barbershops   3, 29, 56, 98, 122, 145-146
   little back room   56, 98, 146
   uses of baby oil and Kleenex   145-146
sea cucumber   15, 171-172
   strategies for safe ingestion   171
   as torture device used on foreigners   15
sex shops   69-70, 129-130
   strategic location near scissorless barbershops   70
   mystery of who buys that stuff   69, 129
shark's fin   87, 171-172
slippers   96-97
split pants   165-166, 173
   impact on genital development   165
   vs. expensive disposable diapers   166
Wang Laoji   17-18
wangba (Internet cafes)   78-79, 177, 184
Web design, Las Vegas School of   116, 127, 154
wine   14, 22, 28-30, 115, 127-128
   Great Wall vs. Dragon Seal vs. Dynasty   28-30
   popular mixers: Coke, Sprite, Wang Laoji   115, 128
XO Cognac   40, 48, 119
ISO 9001, Chinese obsession with   87, 99, 101
long underwear   133, 139
QQ   18-19, 27, 45, 59, 82
   Tencent instant messenger   18-19, 27, 82
   Chevy Spark knock-off by Chery   19, 45, 59
Yabao Lu (Russian ghetto)   23, 102, 149
   and leopard skin print   102
   dangers to avoid in Russian clubs   149
Yanjing (beer) 
Yellow fever   32, 40, 49-51, 147-148
   symptoms and diagnosis   49-51
Zhongnanhai   64, 89, 187
   popular cigarette brand   64
   leadership compound   89, 187

A collection of Kaiser Kuo’s best columns, published by Immersion Guides, is now available in stores around town and by delivery. RMB 100. For more information, call 5820 7700 or contact distribution@immersionguides.com.

The book launch party for Ich Bin Ein Beijinger will be held at The Bookworm on Thursday, July 2, starting at 7.30pm. RSVP required.