Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Index

Dear Reader,

The publishers of my recent collection of columns neglected to include an index, so I’ve provided one here for your convenience. Apologies for the additional trouble.

Also, please note that I’m completely kidding you and this isn’t actually an index to anything. But there is an actual book. Go out and buy it.

Yours,
Kaiser Kuo

INDEX

abalone 87, 171-172
Almond Roca (cf. Ferrero Rocher) 14, 126
ankle hose 77, 98
as iconic fashion symbol 98
where to buy 77
Audi (automobile) 12, 15, 23, 84, 128
as “Official Car of Corruption” 15
preposterous ubiquity of 23, 84, 96, 128
badminton 4, 15, 27
baijiu (sorghum liquor) 3, 5, 6, 7, 9-13, 15-192
medicinal uses of 9-13
military uses of 16
blind massage 3, 82, 142
BBS (Internet forums) 37-38
birdcage guys 19, 21,152
Buick 56, 154-155
perplexing brand value of 154-155
why my friends drive their minivan 155
CCTV-9 14-15, 27, 89
obligatory expat appearance on 27
the CCTV-9 anchor accent 15
Carpenters, The 44-46
mysterious popularity of (cf. John Denver) 45
cayenne 59-60, 87
pepper 59-60
Porsche SUV 87
China Daily 189-191
Chivas Regal (popular bottled green tea mixer) 68
Clayderman, Richard (cf. Kenny G) 32-33
corn 7, 10, 12, 16-18, 28-29, 45, 48, 62-66, 110-111
as beverage 17
as pizza topping 10, 12, 45, 48, 110-111
as biofuel 28-29
tough inedible Chinese varieties of 62-64
popped sweet vs. salted 16-18
Cui Jian
expat idolization of 12, 19, 135-136
classic old stuff 135
unlistenable new stuff 136
Dashan (aka Mark Rowsell) 9, 13, 27, 89
Denver, John 45
and longevity of “Country Roads” 46
dogs 120-122, 176, 187
small 120-121
smaller 122
misplaced outrage over consumption of 176
dwarf doormen 36, 45, 78, 102
Erguotou (cf. baijiu) 1-192
supernatural bravery effect 162-163
fapiao (tax receipts) 121, 139-140
Ferrero Rocher (cf. Almond Roca)
Filipino cover bands 54-55
fruit plates 177-178, 188, 193
cherry tomato debate of 2005 178
extortionate KTV prices 188
singular lack of imagination in offering 193
G, Kenny 23, 26, 72, 79, 83-85, 112-114, 171
garlic 70, 81, 88, 120, 128
Greco-Roman plaster statuary 175-176
Hotel California 5, 17, 19, 21-22, 32-35, 62-64, 172
hurting the feelings of the Chinese people 4, 15, 92-94
Jenny Lou’s 54, 73, 99
karaoke 22, 26, 187-189
Marco Polo Syndrome 27-28
syndrome first identified 27
symptoms and diagnosis 28
man bag (cf. pleather clutch purse)
McStruggle (artistic movement) 20, 22, 37, 41, 52, 66, 98
minority nationalities 63-65, 121-124
colorful native costume and dance 63
quaint courtship traditions 64-65
list of 56 minorities and their shortcomings 122-124
mole hair 78-79
moxibustion 25, 83-84, 146-148
distinguished from giant octopus attack 83-84
aesthetic impact vs. efficacy debate 146-148
money, very fast counting of 18-19
pajamas, daytime wearing of 11, 41, 58
penises 15, 42, 57, 86, 128, 176-178
reindeer (medicinal) 42, 86
dog, ox, other soup stock 176-178
phlegm, expectoration of 4, 14, 26-27, 39
pinky nails 8, 12, 74-75
in Guinness Book of World Records 75
uses explained 12
prayer bead bracelets, outsize 2, 8, 10, 17-18, 81-83
pleather clutch purse 2, 8, 10, 12, 17-18, 29, 35, 81-83
as totem of male virility 17-18
common contents of 18
patent superiority of Crocodillo™ brand 2, 10, 35
reflexology 82, 142, 188
reptile liquor 84-85, 90, 127
putative medicinal value 84
taxonomy of commonly occurring reptiles 85, 127
Santana (Volkswagen) 26, 28, 141, 182
sauna 15, 42, 59, 101, 104-107
scissorless barbershops 3, 29, 56, 98, 122, 145-146
little back room 56, 98, 146
uses of baby oil and Kleenex 145-146
sea cucumber 15, 171-172
strategies for safe ingestion 171
as torture device used on foreigners 15
sex shops 69-70, 129-130
strategic location near scissorless barbershops 70
mystery of who buys that stuff 69, 129
shark's fin 87, 171-172
slippers 96-97
split pants 165-166, 173
impact on genital development 165
vs. expensive disposable diapers 166
Wang Laoji 17-18
wangba (Internet cafes) 78-79, 177, 184
Web design, Las Vegas School of 116, 127, 154
wine 14, 22, 28-30, 115, 127-128
Great Wall vs. Dragon Seal vs. Dynasty 28-30
popular mixers: Coke, Sprite, Wang Laoji 115, 128
XO Cognac 40, 48, 119
ISO 9001, Chinese obsession with 87, 99, 101
long underwear 133, 139
QQ 18-19, 27, 45, 59, 82
Tencent instant messenger 18-19, 27, 82
Chevy Spark knock-off by Chery 19, 45, 59
Yabao Lu (Russian ghetto) 23, 102, 149
and leopard skin print 102
dangers to avoid in Russian clubs 149
Yanjing (beer)
Yellow fever 32, 40, 49-51, 147-148
symptoms and diagnosis 49-51
Zhongnanhai 64, 89, 187
popular cigarette brand 64
leadership compound 89, 187

A collection of Kaiser Kuo’s best columns, published by Immersion Guides, is now available in stores around town and by delivery. RMB 100. For more information, call 5820 7700 or contact distribution@immersionguides.com.

The book launch party for Ich Bin Ein Beijinger will be held at The Bookworm on Thursday, July 2, starting at 7.30pm. RSVP required.