Pizza in a Cone? There is Such a Thing?

To get you in the mood for the ongoing voting in the 2014 Pizza Cup, (see our round-up of pizza meal deals here) we've sent our minions out to patrol the streets for pizza. Here's a selection of what they've found:

Like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, a pizza cone is a sight to behold. Both seem to defy the laws of physics, and basic standards of safety; the tower, because its eight stories are built to look like they will topple over without doing so; the cone, because it can hold an artery-rupturing 11 toppings in one wrapped crust.

The latter is an example of the most extreme menu item at Chaoyangmen's Pissa Pissa, perhaps Beijing's leading purveyor of the odditiy that is pizza-in-a-cone.

This is not some cockamamie Chinese take on pizza; in fact such a thing has been done in the home of pizza itself, Italy. While it might not be taking the world by storm, it is a "thing" in North America and even in Beijing, where a smattering of pizza-in-a-cone shops can be found on Dianping.com.

And believe it or not, they're not the affront to taste and decency that they appear to be (except perhaps the near ubiquitous inclusion of corn niblets).

I tried the Roman 11 Layer, which features rows of ham, sausage, mushroom, green onion and more packed into a cone. First impression: the cones aren't crunchy like an ice cream cone, they're essentially rolled up soft pizza crusts, more akin to a burrito or even a quesadilla in texture.

They're served piping hot (at a dragging, very un-fast food-ish 15 minutes), and you'll need to wait at least a few minutes more for it to be cool enough to handle, much less bite (fortunately, the cones are served in a metal holder). Once it has cooled a bit, you can just tuck in by nibbling the edges (like you would a burrito).

The key attribute of these pizza cones is their dough, which is baked firmly enough to maintain the cone's shape and keep it from becoming messy. The bulk of the cheese is at the top of the cone, but Pissa Pissa's architects were smart enough to add a few more globs of cheddar further on down, between the layers of meats and sauce.

It's here that the flaws of this bizarre yet tasty treat become apparent: the meat 'toppings' begin to blend together and become bland once you're in the thick of the cone, especially in the case of The Roman 11 Layer.

For that item, it might be a matter of the sheer number of ingredients canceling each other out, or a lazy cook who focused on stuffing in as many toppings as possible, without considering how to spice them or properly accentuate their flavors.

Pissa Pissa, located on the fourth floor of the U-Town Shopping Center in Chaoyangmen, has several other offerings with fewer ingredients. But those items are no less bizarre (after all, we're talking about pizzas served in what amounts to a doughy ice cream cone).

The wackiest of the bunch may be the Sicily Fresh Fruit cone, which sounds like it could be a nice dessert – though its ingredients list soon disabuses you of that notion: it boasts cubes of coconut packed in next to cheese, ham, and other standard pizza meats.

In comparison, the Padua Hot Spicy cone (featuring peppers, bacon and ham) seems almost normal, though it is rife with corn niblets (what is it with Chinese and corn on pizza?).

As if Pissa Pissa's pizza cone concept weren't surreal enough, one glance at the decor should certainly floor most patrons. The walls of this fast food joint are lined with pictures of famed Italian artworks Photoshopped to tote pizza cones.

Mona Lisa clutches The Roman 11 Layer, while Michelangelo's David can be seen holding a cone of his own. Wacky Chinglish (Italo-Chinglish?) captions read: "Italy rolled up!!" (fair enough) and "I have a pizza, do you have?" (excusable). But what does "A beautiful young woman with pizza was destined to loneliness," mean exactly?

And why is there a caption that says "Ass really become warped" next to nether-regions of the redhead from The Birth of Venus? Regardless, the decor alone ensures that there will be no shortage of dinner conversation.

All in all, Pissa Pissa is a hilariously bizarre fast food joint, and certainly a change for those tired of standard flat pizza. The cones range from RMB 19-30 (although they're small enough that you might need two to truly be full), and the drinks are priced about the same (most of the beverages on offer are juices in kiwi, orange and other flavors that are far from fresh, tasting more like a weird tang).

If you're looking for a casual spot for a first date, cross Pissa Pissa off your list, because your prospective partner will likely be scared off. But if you need to test a longer term courtship, and determine whether your significant other will stick by your side through even the strangest of culinary excursions, someone that will be there through thick and thin, crust and cone, then this goofy little pizza joint will be the ideal spot.

Pissa Pissa 拿手披萨
F4-019D U-Town Mall, Chaoyangmen, Chaoyang District (5977 5931, 5977 5931)
朝阳门悠唐购物中心4楼F4-019D室

Photos: Kyle Mullin