Mandarin Monday: Phrases to Order Takeout (for Both Beginners and Advanced Pranksters)
Even though your belly is growling, one glance at the grey skies outside is often enough to make your skin crawl and your eyes weep. Of course, Beijingers are now fortunate enough to not have to let those urges conflict, ordering up some hearty soup instead of venturing out into the soupy, high-AQI outside the confines of their homes.
But all that takeout has also tempted the capital's pranksters, leading to some hilarious, sometimes borderline harassment requests on the special request (备注, bèi zhù) section of food delivery apps. Below we've listed some of the goofiest of such requests, courtesy of QQ News, along with a list of simpler delivery related phrases for Chinese language beginners (and those of us who aren't nearly so demanding with our orders).
来的时候要鬼鬼祟祟，不要按门铃。不能给我爸发现我吃宵夜，他会打我。Lái de shíhou yào guǐguǐsuìsuì, bùyào àn ménlíng. Bùnéng gěi wǒ bà fāxiàn wǒ chī xiāo yè, tā huì dǎ wǒ.
When you come over, please be quiet, like a thief or cat burglar. Don't press the door bell! I can't let my father find out I ordered a midnight snack or he will beat me!
不吃香菜，派你们最可爱的店员过来。Bù chī xiāngcài, pài nǐmen zuì kě'ài de diànyuán guòlái.
I don't eat cilantro, please don't add any to my order. Also, please send your cutest staff over to deliver my order.
要那个长得很可爱的女生送过来！！！！！ 不然老子不吃。Yào nàgè zhǎng de hěn kě'ài de nǚshēng sòng guòlái!!!!! Bùrán lǎozi bù chī.
I want that very cute girl to deliver this to me. Otherwise, I won't eat it.
不要洋葱，微微辣，多放汤 要求帅哥送餐 身高1米9 皮肤白皙 有光泽。Bùyào yángcōng, wéiwéi là, duō fàng tāng yāoqiú shuàigē sòng cān shēngāo 1 mǐ 9 pífū báixī yǒu guāngzé.
Hold the onions, make it a little bit spicy, add extra soup, and be sure a handsome guy delivers it to me. He should be 190cm, and his skin should be white and shiny.
对不起！我拖后腿了 麻烦帮我和其他同事的一起送来吧。 ps 可以帮我到隔壁超市带包卫生棉吗（七度空间纯棉日用的 带错了不付钱 谢谢嗷）。Duìbùqǐ! Wǒ tuōhòutuǐle máfan bāng wǒ hé qítā tóngshì de yīqǐ sòng lái ba. Ps kěyǐ bāng wǒ dào gébì chāoshì dài bāo wèishēng mián ma (qī dù kōngjiān chún mián rì yòng de dài cuò liǎo bú fù qián xièxiè áo).
I don't mean to slow you down, but please send my food with my other coworkers' order, P.S. Can you please help me go to the shop next door and buy some pads for me? I need the qidukongjian brand, if you don't get that brand I won't pay for my order. Thank you.
送到十栋和九栋之间，靠十栋那边二楼倒数第五个空调机友绳子放下来掉。Sòng dào shí dòng hé jiǔ dòng zhī jiān, kào shí dòng nà biān èr lóu dàoshǔ dì wǔ gè kòngtiáo jī you shéngzi fàng xiàlái diào.
Please drop off my order between buildings 9 and 10. Close to building 10, you'll see a rope. Tie my food to that.
我在你门厕所， 厕所没纸了， 喊了半天也没人答应 快叫个男服务员送点纸来，脚都蹲麻了开始打闪闪，屁股也冻。Wǒ zài nǐ mén cèsuǒ, cèsuǒ méi zhǐle, hǎnle bàntiān yě méi rén dā yīng kuài jiào gè nán fúwùyuán sòng diǎn zhǐ lái, jiǎo dōu dūn mále kāishǐ dǎ shǎnshǎn, pìgu yě dòng.
I'm in your restaurant's bathroom. It has no toilet paper. I yelled for almost half a day, no one answered. Please ask a delivery boy to send me some paper. My feet are falling asleep! My ass is frozen!
If you're less sadist and more just hungry, here are a few more everyday food delivery phrases to help expedite the food to your door and into your stomach:
If they call you to say your takeout has arrived, they'll say:
你的快递到了 Nǐ de kuàidì dàole
Your take out is here
If you have trouble understanding them, you should say:
是不是我的外卖？Shìbùshì wǒ de wàimài?
Are you the person delivering my takeout?
They'll say:
我上电梯来 请开门好吗？Wǒ shàng diàntī lái qǐng kāimén hǎo ma?
I'm in the elevator, can you open your door for me so I can drop it off?
Also, if the delivery person isn't bringing food but instead a package, here are some other useful terms, especially if the delivery person call you when you're not home to receive the package:
They'll say:
你在不在家？Nǐ zài bù zài jiā?
Are you home?
If you are not at home, you should say:
我不在 Wǒ bùzài
I'm not home.
They'll say:
家里有人吗？Jiā li yǒurén ma?
Is anybody else home?
If not, you should say:
没有 请把快递放在我的邻居家 房间号是...? Méiyǒu qǐng bǎ kuàidì fàng zài wǒ de línjū jiā fángjiān [hào shì]
No, nobody's there. Please leave the delivery with my neighbor in [room number].
没有，请把快递放在门口。Méi yǒu，qǐngbǎ kuàidì fàngzài ménkǒu。
No, please put the delivery outside the door.
More stories by this author here.
Email: kylemullin@truerun.com
Twitter: @MulKyle
WeChat: 13263495040
Photos: China Daily, QQ News
