Fortune Kooky: tbj’s Jonathan White gets a look into his future

Call me a skeptic, but I was brought up as a God-fearing man and am distrustful of people who profess the power to predict the future. In that I include palm-readers, psychics, mediums, witchdoctors, shamans, astrologers … well, the list goes on. But as 2008 came to an end, I thought: I’ve got nothing to lose, so why not try and find out what the future has in store? Throwing caution to the wind and putting my inherent cynicism out of mind, I found myself listening to the vagaries of Beijing fortunetellers, wondering whether or not to believe them. My main concern was when I would go gray (I’m on the way already) – and responses of “in the next five years” or “when you are 65” did little to convince me. Perhaps the most interesting of all was the suggestion that I would take a wife, as this seems very unlikely at the moment and made me think that they assumed this was what I wanted to hear. But if there is any truth in either the power of suggestion or fortunetelling itself, then in 2009, ladies, look out.

Mr. Liu

Age:
75

Location:

On a bridge over Tonghui River

Price:
RMB 100 (negotiable)
He asked for RMB 1,000 and tried to say that this was fine as I was a rich foreigner. (This would be fine but he’d said I’d been spending too much money.)
Personality:

He’s very clever, a good man with a big heart, never does any harm to anyone. He doesn’t rely on other people much. He’s kind of wanderer, so he’ll be living in at least three or four countries. (Did the whole white guy in China thing provide a clue?)
Yearly Forecast:
He’s been having bad luck during the past two years, but in 2009, his life is going to turn around. He was born in the morning, which symbolizes the dragon. So that means there going to be an angel with him all the time. (Which is nice)
Health:
He’s been having little illnesses here and there, and that’s going to last through 2009. I suggest more proper meals and less snacking. He’s going to suffer from a serious illness at the age of 45, so better not travel in that year. Ultimately, though, he'll live a pretty long life.
Finances:
He spent too much money in 2008, especially in the latter months. His fortune will rise to a better level after Spring Festival, and he has a guiren xiang (lucky face) – it is very obvious. He has the potential to be one of the greatest figures in the history of mankind. (Hmm? The signs don’t seem to point that way.)
Relationships:
He’ll find Ms. Right during the second half year of 2009. If things go well, he could get married within the same year – or he can wait until 2010, but definitely no later than that. (Whatever happened to long engagements?) However, that marriage is going to end up in divorce in the future. (There’s a pattern emerging here. Thanks, chaps.) He'll never be able to get along with a girl who’s a year older than him.

Going Gray:
Within the next five years (Seems a little more realistic.)

Mr. Zhou

Age: 43
Location: Near Lama Temple
Price: RMB 600 (negotiable). It had been RMB 300, down from RMB 1,000 – but then he changed his mind.
Personality: Jonny is quite an emotional person. He can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you get on his nerves, he might slag you off in the most vicious way. He never compromises or goes halfway. He has high self-esteem. Whatever he does, he does with gusto. He makes a good friend but is easily tricked by others, and often gives more than he receives. (I think the fact I am consulting a fortuneteller betrays me being easily tricked.)
Yearly Forecast: 2009 won't be his best year – his luck will come in 2012 and 2013. But in the meantime … January: nothing significant will happen. February: the same as January. March: he'll start to want to quit his job. April: he's going to face a lot of obstacles. May: things are going to get a little better. June: he'll have to consider either changing jobs or moving elsewhere. July through October: he'll get on well with his new job and the money will start coming in like water. November and December: things will calm down and nothing too impressive will happen (I always thought fortunetellers were meant to accentuate the positive? It sounds like the best year ever. Roll on, 2012.)
Health: Jonny’s got an injury on his left leg (did my limp give it away?) and a weak bladder, plus some minor heart-related diseases, inherited from either his father or grandfather. One of his blood relatives will die in 2009, but it will be someone not too closely related, like an uncle. (Which seems pretty closely related to me)
Finances: Jonny wasn't very lucky in 2008, but he'll turn his life around in 2009. (Take that, global financial crisis.)
Relationships: This won't be the best year for Jonny to get into a relationship – best wait until 2010. He’ll get involved with a girl with a round face and big eyes. (Round face and big eyes? She sounds lovely.) He's always getting into short-term love affairs. (No comment.) One of his children (Hang on a minute, what children?) will suffer from a serious illness or injury. He’ll get married in 2010 (shotgun wedding?), but be divorced shortly for involving himself with another woman. (Again, no comment.)
Going Gray: 65 (Don’t sit on the fence.)

Su Minfeng

Age:
48
Location:

This Hong Kong-based hairdresser-turned-fortune teller started a fortune-telling business in 1983, has appeared on various TV shows and publishes an annual book of predictions based on the Chinese zodiac.

Price:
RMB 20

Personality:
n/a
Yearly Forecast:
Jonny’s daily routine will slow down a bit, and he'll want to take a break sometime this year to think about where to go with his life. January: he'll be in a holiday mood throughout the month and enjoy himself and relax. (Wait, don’t tell me – I’ll be thinking about Spring Festival.) February: work will be fine as long as he doesn’t get his hopes up too high. March: he'll be facing an enormous amount of pressure and more work but ultimately pull through. April: he may get a raise this month but should watch out for relationships (although 2009 isn't the best year for him, something will still happen this month) (What do you mean by watch out? Sounds bloody dangerous). May: things will settle down, but he'll spend more money. June: he’ll continue to spend more money and be affected by some gastro-related disease, so he should eat less deep-fried food. July: the company he works for will start making more money but unfortunately this doesn't mean a raise for Jonny; someone who has a crush on him could be “the One.” August: that gastro problem will come back to haunt him so select food and drinks carefully; also better watch what you say because there's a big chance of getting into trouble. (What in blazes does that mean?) September: a promotion is in the works but watch out for relationship problems – best to take a break from each other for a while. October: all problems are solved and this will probably be the best month of the year. November: Jonny will be in a festive mood this month and virtually problem-free. December: pretty much the same as the month before though he'll face more pressure from work (Festive in December? I think there must be something to this after all.)

Health:
Jonny will suffer from gastro-related diseases throughout the year. (No more deep-fried Mars bars?)
Finances:
It's a good year to invest in something. (I think I might invest in a fortuneteller. Money for old rope.)

Relationships:
Not the best year for relationships. Be careful, careful and more careful. (I take it that I should be more careful? Perhaps the least positive fortuneteller ever.)
Going Gray:
n/a