Why I’m Coming Back to the US

It's a new year but 2012 is refusing to quietly fade away - we're referring specifically to our Peking Man's viral "Why I'm Coming Back to China" column. After the initial outrage from Chinese netizens, influential blogger An Puruo, a well-known US-based Internet writer whose publications include Taming the Chinese Fire (回国驯火记) and has over 200,000 followers on Weibo, posted his own satirical response from a Chinese perspective on Haiguinet.com, which we've re-posted below with his permission.

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"Why I’m Coming Back to the US" 我为什么又回到美国

By An Puruo, modified from the original article by George Ding

Two months ago I decided, like countless Chinese in the US before me, that it was time to leave the States. Well, after spending two months at home in China, I've decided to head right back.

Now I know what you're thinking: Didn't I just go to this guy's going-away party? How the hell did he get his old job back? Didn't he just sell me his bookcase?

I don't have time to explain all that right now, but whoever bought my bookcase: I'm going to need that back.

Since returning, I've had many people ask me, “I thought you were sick of the US. What convinced you to come back?”

First of all, I never said I was sick of the US.

Second of all, I'm even more sick of China.

So why did I do it? Why did I go back after leaving with such fanfare?

This is going to sound crazy but I missed not having to use fake money. Buying a pack of gum and getting three fake bills of change back is just crazy. Plus they make you look stupid.

Another reason is that I couldn't find a job worthy of my extensive resume. Most employers didn't give a lick how much US experience I had, and those who did were surprised that I didn't speak the Queen's English in the five years I spent in New York City. As if a language made up of mew and cheep is that easy to learn. In the end, I couldn't even get a job teaching English in China, because apparently you need some kind of guanxi to land a job.

Honestly, I thought I'd feel more at home back home in China, but let's just say that home wasn't exactly where the heart is. In fact, being home is downright unbearable when your parents are constantly nagging you. When are you going to get a job? When are you going to make big money? Did you borrow 200 yuan from the girl next door?

If I'm being perfectly frank, I also missed people ignoring me just because I was foreigner. I hadn't counted on the fact that going back to my home country meant that I was not going to be a foreigner at all.

I hadn't anticipated the reverse culture shock of going back either. Cars trying to run me over at crosswalks made me feel self-conscious. I'd talk shit about people in Chinese, forgetting they could understand the language. More than once I was laughed at and looked down at the Silk Market for not knowing how to haggle and not even being aware that their clothes were knock-offs. And the prices! 38 yuan for a cappuccino at Starbucks? 5,000 yuan for a pair of Levi's jean? 70 yuan for a double cheeseburger Burger King's, not even including a Diet Coke?! Financial crisis my ass.

Then one day, after my mom set me up on a blind date with some stupid girl who happens to be some big shot's daughters, I delved deep and asked myself: Sure, you can get diet coke everywhere, but what good is that when you can't have your own life and do whatever you want to do yourself?

So I told off that stupid boss in the English kindergarten, took 500 yuan from my parents, and bought a one-way ticket back to the only place that could handle a mother like me.

And what can I say? It's nice to be back. It's nice to have those waiters dote on me just for a five buck tip or get a free tiny cake on my birthday at the restaurant from the maître d’. It's nice to legally download French AV movies and Sola Aoi's naked pictures and not have to worry cops may show up on your doorway. It's nice to not have to use fake money.

Go ahead, call me a Loser Back Home. Just know that this LBH makes 300 dollars a day waiting table. I wouldn't trade that for all the free private software and 5 kuai American blockbuster DVDs in the world.

If this trip home has taught me anything, it's that the country you live in is like a wife. Sometimes, when you've been in one place too long, you start to wonder what else is out there. So you flirt with other countries and realize that, holy shit, they are all crazy or super high-maintenance.

What I’m trying to say, USA, is that those other countries didn't mean a thing. It's obvious we still need each other. No more running around, I promise. No sir – this time, I'm here to stay.

Photo: Thedailygreen.com