Street Eats: Big Boobs for Bizarre Jianbing Does Not Make for a Winning Combo at Jianbing Houzi

Don't look now folks, but the humble streetside jiānbing is going upscale and we're not exactly liking what we see.

Opened in April, Jianbing Houzi (aka Jianbing Monkey) is Specimen A in the lesson of How to Make Beijingers Pay Two to Five Times the Normal Price for Street Food.

Located in a stack of renovated shipping containers in front of U-Town Shopping Center, it certainly looks trendy: this is Street Eats Deluxe and is a far sight cleaner than the typical dirty mobile cart slinging jiānbing you'll find on the outskirts of your neighborhood.

There are six kinds of jiānbing on the menu here: the classic Authentic Peking Sauce, which featurs two eggs and yóutiáo (RMB 11); Secret Beef Sauce jiānbing (always a gamble) (RMB 16); and some wackier ones that die-hards will find hard to stomach: Old-School Italian (RMB 21); Cheesy Italian (RMB 29); Tuna Temptation (another gamble) (RMB 26); and the Tuna Supreme (RMB 30).

You must be curious, what makes it so special that it is okay to ask for RMB 30 for a jiānbing? Well, according to the description, these jiānbings contain three eggs, cheese, secret sauce, and yóutiáo. In fact, they all replace the fried dough sheet (薄脆, báocuì) with deep-fried batter (油条, yóutiáo).

When you order, it’s hard not to notice the board which says clientele can get an extra dàn (egg) in their jiānbing if they can meet any of the following conditions (be warned, this is not politically correct):

  • You post a picture and write several sentences on the WeChat Moments about Jianbing Houzi;
  • You are Muslim;
  • You are a fan of Guo'an and are wearing Guo'an gear;
  • Your back, arms, or legs are covered with tattoos;
  • Your tongue can touch your nose;
  • You're wearing a low-cut top that shows your cleavage;
  • You're wearing a short mini-skirt without any leggings;
  • Your ID number starts with 110103 or 110104.

And finally, the ultimate ridiculous requirement:

  • If you're a Beijing female under 30 years old, of Hui minority (who are predominantly Muslim-practicing), taller than 166cm, weigh less than 55kg, have C-cup breasts or larger, then you get your jiānbing free (if the owner is present to verify).

Aside from the gross, perverted terms, there are examples of the owner's narcissism everywhere: a TV plays a biographical video of the owner’s life, and the walls are covered in pictures of himself. I guess it's the kind of fame (read: delusions of grandeur) one can expect to encounter when peddling overpriced Chinese street snacks.

All of these terms are so outlandish and politically incorrect that it appears the whole operation has been set up in order for Mr. Laoban to find himself a Hui minority Beijing sex toy. Awkward.

Still we pushed on, trying to overlook the rampant sexism at play, and ordered the old-school Italian jiānbing, which comes with two eggs and yóutiáo inside. The beef sauce made the whole thing way too sweet, and the yóutiáo gave it a weird chewy texture. Let us be frank, the not only tasted bad, it tasted disgusting, and we'd choose an original six kuai street-side rendition any day of the week.

RELATED: Know Your Jianbing From Your Jidan Guanbing So You'll Never Starve Again

Maybe selling shitty jiānbing didn’t satisfy the owner, so he also branched out into shitty fried chicken. We ordered the salt crisp chicken (RMB 12), which wasn’t half as good of the addictive fried chicken fillet at The Top Best. The chicken fillets were way too small, and the crust was too thick, meaning that you're not eating much of anything at all. The service wasn’t half good either, and even as the only customer, we had to repeat our order five times until the staff could remember the two items enough to start smashing old eggs together. When we thought things couldn’t get worse, after half an hour, the dreaded stomach ache came for us.

Let this be known: we shall never return to you Jianbing Houzi, as perhaps as your name suggests, your wares are only fit for a monkey.

Jianbing Houzi
In front of U-Town Shopping Center, 2 Sanfeng Beili, Chaoyangmenwai Dajie, Chaoyang District (139 1131 1206)
煎饼猴子:朝阳区朝外大街三丰北里2号悠唐购物中心广场门口

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Email: tracywang@thebeijinger.com
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Photos: Tracy Wang