Morgan's Dick Pics: This Weekend’s Best Clubbing Events Ever in the World

Welcome, the Beijinger reader! To the official picks for clubbing events this weekend from the city’s most trusted source on really good clubbing events and not just hanging out and blagging free drinks at Temple Bar basically all the time. This article is best consumed with this article on 6 Condom Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making. You know the Beijinger is always fighting the good fight for truth and decency out there in the modern world, trying to impart a little knowledge to the masses, ribbed for their pleasure, of course, and lubed for easy insertion.

Incidentally, if you were to ask me, I’ve always been a fan of the “pull out method” of birth control, which studies have shown to be over 57 percent effective.

Will they print that? Only one way to find out!

Anyway, here are my five clubbing dick pics for the weekend. Have fun kids. Make sure it’s not “too airy” when you roll your condoms down on yourselves.

(Haha c’mon now, Beijinger. SRSLY.)

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Jul 22: Organic Party at Dada
Feel-good bouncy house and techno vibes back at Dada, with the “Organic Party” doing their second installment Friday night at the Gulou club. The gimmick with this one is that they fill the place with tropical plants, camo nets, AstroTurf, and various greenery to create a jungle-like atmosphere in the venue. Just don’t smoke any of it because PO-PO is on the prowl, always, always, always. The music is from a bunch of Beijing-based DJs – Justhynn, Marc Alexr, J.R.G., Signal – and is strictly house all night long. Lots of smooth nnn tssst, nnn tsst, nnn tsst. This one's a great, dance floor-friendly, locally sourced alternative to the harder bass/trap/DnB/dub nights which the club is becoming more know for.

Free. 10.30pm.

Jul 22: Spin Back at Migas
A bit of a more subdued weekend out on Beijing’s favorite patio but Friday night sounds pretty good, with three fine Beijing DJs – Watermellon, Boflex, and Cad 73 – playing music strictly on vinyl all night long. Snap, crackle, and pop in genres spanning Funk, Boogie, Disco, House, Afro, and Old School Hip Hop. Pretty good one. All three of those guys are decent selectors; I would stake the reputation of this magazine upon it. Admission is a little dear at RMB 60, but I guess they need money to buy vinyl.  Also, another really important aspect of DJing is being a total bottom feeding drain on society as much as possible. Thumbs up.

RMB 60. 10pm. Lantern

Jul 22: Kollection at Lantern
Nine million Beijing DJs playing nine billion hours of tech house. 

*cough*

RMB 30. 10pm.

Jul 23: Prince vs. Michael Jackson at 4corners
Nominated for “Best Place to Get a Date” in our very own the Beijinger Food and Nightlife and Whatever Awards, 4corners is hosting in a couple of dood bros playing classics and deep cuts from two ‘80s pop icons and beyond, looking to settle a debate you’ve probably never had: Who Is Better? Prince or Michael Jackson?

The correct answer, FYI, is GWAR.

4corners is a good place to pick up a date? I didn’t know that. I’m so blind to these things. Kids, if you go to this party, make sure you read the Beijinger’s condom article at least five or six times to really wring out all the valuable information from it. Really click on that thing and go to town. Go on. Get it. Go on now, click on it, you know you want to. Click it girl, work that thing girl, yeah, mmm, that’s nice. Oooo. Yeh, yeh. Oooooo. Just like that.  

Just like that.  

Free. 10pm.

Jul 23: Love In The Land Of Robots Release Party at Zarah
This one’s not in a BANGIN’ CLUB NITE YO per se, but there’s only like, what, four damn clubs in this entire city that aren’t complete horseshit anyways. Plus it’s electronic. And will probably be good. Local label Ran Music is releasing the latest from Beijing-based producer Soulspeak called Love In The Land Of Robots. For this one, the sometimes hip-hop producer, but lately bass music-and-then-some producer is in a collab-oh project with Australian trumpet player/producer TTechmak. Pretty gangster name for a trumpet player, TTechmak. Making that sound TTTOUGH, man. Anyway, they’re hosting a release show in Zarah – something a little different. And something a little more focused on the music, we would imagine, rather than getting lit in some loud, godless nightclub venue. Soulspeak is a very talented producer and we (the royal “we”) are interested to hear his latest, which was two years in the making. They say:

“Rusty machines, mountains of ice cream, two headed dragons and drunken monks ... will be the scenery for this journey. Love in the land of robots is where the search begins and this album gives an rainbow to those who want to build an alternative route out of this muggy urban rat race.”

Stop, stop. Sold. You had me at mountains of ice cream.

Free. Daytime show, 3-7pm.

Images courtesy of the organizers