The Beijing Affair That Ended My Marriage

In the wake of the “me too” movement, women (and men) from all walks of life have found their voice, exposing the individuals and institutions that have leveraged their power to perpetrate sexual and gender-based violence or abuse. After taking hold in the US, the movement spread all over the world, including to China, where prevailing conservatism means that conversations about sex remain largely taboo. Couple that with the cultural concept of "face," and the idea of addressing concerns of sexual abuse with one’s family or speaking out in public are heavily discouraged so that victims do not tempt bringing shame upon their family.

However, these views are slowly beginning to change. A recent report showed that over 70 percent of all divorces filed in China are initiated by women, going against the long-held belief that typical Chinese brides are likely to suffer through bad marriages and never leave. Additionally, the veil of silence around domestic violence is gradually lifting. Just recently, popular Chinese makeup blogger Yuya Mika spoke out about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her then-boyfriend, some of which were captured by security cameras.

Candid accounts by such public figures are giving more women the strength to come forward and share their own experiences of abuse and violence. One such woman is Daisy (a pseudonym), a Chinese native from Inner Mongolia who lives and works in Beijing, who shared her experiences with me for purposes of this article. Like Yuya, Daisy's abuse was perpetrated by someone she was in a relationship, however, where her story differs is that she was actually having an affair with this man behind her now ex-husband’s back. The assailant was also a foreign national.

Their meeting wasn’t exactly the opening sequence to a whirlwind romance film. Daisy met the man who would be the cause of her marriage’s dissolution when she decided to take English classes here in the city, at a prestigious language training center. As is the case in such establishments, the teachers were discouraged from fraternizing with students outside of the class setting, but this was a rule rarely followed, especially by Daisy’s Casanova teacher, who had gained himself a reputation among the female student body. By the time Daisy and her teacher started out, she had been, in her own words, rather unhappily married and felt increasingly trapped in a relationship that didn’t seem to work no matter how much she tried. As someone in an emotionally and physically lacking relationship, she easily fell prey to the teacher and his promises of a happy future together.

When did you realize that you were in love with him?
I actually don’t remember when it happened or when I even began thinking actively about it. It just began. We would smoke at the same spot, then we began to talk after almost a year of my knowing him. I found him to be quite charming. And then, we began to share little secrets and personal jokes. For instance, the cups of coffee we would carry to class would not be coffee at all but beer. He kissed me once after we were drunk. He sent me poems which he said were for me. I tried to evade meeting him but he would always talk me into it in one way or another. He became a light in my otherwise mundane life, and by telling me that I was different, he would encourage me to do things I would otherwise never do. This was an affirmation that I had never received before. He gave me what I have craved all my life. But later I would come to discover that he was not only in a relationship with another woman, but he had also just been divorced a little over two months before we started seeing each other – these same sweet words he would serenade me with were the same sweet nothings he would be sharing with other women.

Continue reading this story over at our sister site, beijing-kids.com.

Images: scplanfranchipancrazi.fr